Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Update Part 1: The talk

 I wanted to share this. I'm not really sure why. It's pretty personal, but at the same time I'm sure there are people out there who will read this and will have to do the same thing or have already had to do the same thing. If anything, I just hope that anyone who reads this understands what a process the whole miscarriage thing is. There are many parts to it and that it is not easy to move on from. 

Telling Morgan:

When we first found out we were pregnant this time we decided not to tell Morgan until we were a lot further along. She was too young to understand when we lost the last two pregnancies, but now it was different. Every day in her world was filled with baby dolls, play diapers, baby bottles, baby strollers, you name it. If it had the word "baby" in it, she was all about it. She even took to calling my friends 4 month old "my baby" when she would talk about her. So needless to say, when we found out we were expecting we were thrilled, but wanted to be in the "safety zone" before we shared that with her. Everything seemed on the right track and one day my husband let it slip in front of her. We thought maybe if she didn't say anything else she would forget.  Later that night we went to dinner at a friends house and in the middle of our conversation she blurts out, "My mom is having a baby!" I was really upset at first because I just felt very guarded over this pregnancy and wasn't ready for her to know. I felt like it would ruin her whole world if for whatever reason we lost this baby too. 

Losing this baby was incredibly hard, but what made it even harder was having to tell my two and half year old that our baby was is heaven. We tried not to talk about the baby in front of her while I was pregnant just because we were trying to be cautious (even if she already knew). We thought after we lost the baby we wouldn't say anything about it unless she asked. She hadn't mentioned the baby for weeks since she first found out, but much to our dismay the week after we lost it that's all she could talk about. She kept asking about the baby and saying, "there's a baby in your tummy." To which I would reply, " no not yet."  She even told people at daycare (that was fun to have to explain too). 

Finally,  Super Bowl Sunday I hit my breaking point. We went to our friends house, who of course have the 4 month old that Morgan loves. I did my best to try and ignore Morgan doting all over her and wanting to be close to her. I just so badly wanted that relationship for Morgan. It was hard to watch and know I couldn't give that to her right now. 

On our way home out of no where Morgan said, "Mommy you are almost going to have a baby!" I choked back the tears and said, " No honey, not yet." Then came the tearjerker. Softly from the back seat she said, "but I want there to be a baby in your belly." My heart exploded at that moment. I could feel my face get hot and the tears just came pouring out. It was as if I could literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. " We got home and she went into the other room and my husband just held me while I cried for a few minutes. I told him I was so angry, it just wasn't fair. She would be such a great big sister. Why did this have to happen and why did it have to hurt so bad? I finally decided that we needed to have the talk with her. 

The next day while playing in her playroom I brought it up. How do you tell this to a two and a half year old, I thought?
Me: "Remember the baby in Mommy's tummy?"
Morgan: "Yeah"
Me: "There isn't one in my belly anymore because it had to go to Heaven."
Morgan: "Why?"
Me: "Well the baby wasn't growing anymore so Jesus took it to Heaven to take care of it until we get there." 
Morgan: "Are you crying?"
Me: "Yes, because it is sad. It's ok to be sad. I cry sometimes when I miss the baby." 
Morgan: "I don't want you to be sad." (she get's up and hugs me with tears in her eyes)
Me: "I know, but it is OK. God is helping mommy feel better. You and daddy make mommy feel better too. You make me very happy. Someday we will have another baby."

And that was pretty much the conversation. The worst and hardest one I have ever had with anyone in my whole life, but some how the most healing. 20 minutes later as we are playing out side Morgan says, "Remember when you were crying about the baby because you missed it (as if had been years ago already)."  "But you are OK now right?" she asks. "Yes, Mommy is OK." 

I just thought and thought about that conversation for the longest time. I totally under estimated her ability to understand the situation in so few words. Even at a young age she understands it I think the best a 2 and a half year old can. God is taking care of our little angel. That comforts her and that is all she needs to know. Seeing the simplicity in that conversation in healing. She says it in such a positive way that it reminds me to have faith because God is helping us through this and we are going to be OK. 

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains" C. S. Lewis

I hear you God. I know you are still there. 

To be continued.....

Monday, January 28, 2013

Repeated Pregnancy Loss- Day #4

Words cannot describe what it's like to look at an image of your baby on an ultrasound screen. Something so tiny and perfect with a beautiful little flicker of a heartbeat. There is no more living proof you need in that moment that God exists. It's hard to look at that baby and think, how could anyone ever doubt his miracles. It was one of the best moments of my life next to marrying my husband and having my daughter. 

Fast forward two weeks to the worst moment of my life. Same ultrasound tech, same room, but different words. Words I never hope to hear again in my life. I looked up at the screen and could see the baby but there was no longer a tiny flicker of a heartbeat. I'm not stupid, I obviously knew what that meant but I asked anyway hoping by some miracle of a chance she saw something I didn't. She looked at me and said, "No, we need to call your doctor." 

It was like someone had sucked all of the air out of the room. I couldn't breath. I was in shock. They moved us to another room and my husband and I just sat there and held each other in disbelief while the doctor tried to explain and comfort us. We sat there numb hearing bits and pieces of what she was saying between trying to grasp what had just happened. I remember her saying "you don't fit the bill for repeated pregnancy loss". "I don't see anything that points to anything being wrong with either of you, sometimes these things just happen and we don't know why." Then throwing in some statistics like, "only 2% of people have recurrent miscarriage after already having a healthy pregnancy." Suddenly this sarcastic thought ran through my head, "well aren't I the big winner, " I wanted to say. This is not a club I wanted to belong to. This would be the Repeated Pregnancy Loss club- defined as 3 or more consecutive pregnancy losses. 

We continued to sit and discuss options and I elected to have a D and C procedure done. This was actually much easier on my body than when I had tried to do it naturally the last time. As far as the physical end of things goes everything has gone really well (it's the emotional side that is torture). My husband was amazing the whole time. It's funny how in the midst of tragedy I fell even more in love with him than before. You want sexy ladies? There was nothing more attractive about my husband than sitting there to hurt right along side of me. That might sound weird but it's hard for guys sometimes to grasp that kind of emotion. He really has been amazing. Although it was hard having to come home and put on a happy face for your 2 and a half year old that doesn't understand why Mommy and Daddy don't feel like playing. It was hard to look at her, but also healing at the same time. Hard because we were so excited for her to have a sibling. She is all about babies right now which makes this process even harder. Not to mention a lot of our friends are pregnant or having their second.  It was also healing. It has truly made me realize the miracle and gift that she was to us. She would hug me around my neck so tight and say, "I love you so much mommy" and my heart would melt.  She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to us and the best medicine for a broken heart a doctor could ever give. 

It has been 4 days since we found out we lost the baby and it hurts a lot. There are brief periods where we forget and share a laugh about something or smile. We have to grieve in shifts so we are able to function and play with our daughter like any normal day. There are times when I find myself thinking I only have to hold it together two more hours until she goes to bed and then I can cry. We talk about it, cry and talk some more. We look at the picture of our ultrasound and wonder what went wrong? Why things had to be this way? I don't know that we will ever have answers and that part is really hard. Feeling like we were powerless to stop it from happening. Your most innate reaction to parenting is to protect your child and we simply couldn't.  

Where do we go from here? Good question. Obviously we will have tests run, etc. but the truth is God is the greatest physician and healer we could seek. We are hoping and praying he is not finished expanding our family and will help us find some answers, but ultimately he is were we will get our healing. The only bad thing about healing is that it takes time and I am not a patient person. Grief, unfortunately, does not have a time limit. I would really appreciate if God would instead have a some sort of press conference on this kind of stuff, tell me his personal plan of action and timeline on this sort of thing. My husband reminds me often it doesn't work that way. Instead, I will have to be patient and trust him to bring us through this. We cannot do this on our own, we do it with God. The world isn't going to stop turning because of our tragedy, so we can either sit around and choose to be defeated or we can let God be our strength and put one foot in front of the other. We are going to be OK and I know that for certain because God is good. In the mean time keep us in your thoughts and prayers because we need them. 

Update our progress soon....