When we first found out we were pregnant this time we decided not to tell Morgan until we were a lot further along. She was too young to understand when we lost the last two pregnancies, but now it was different. Every day in her world was filled with baby dolls, play diapers, baby bottles, baby strollers, you name it. If it had the word "baby" in it, she was all about it. She even took to calling my friends 4 month old "my baby" when she would talk about her. So needless to say, when we found out we were expecting we were thrilled, but wanted to be in the "safety zone" before we shared that with her. Everything seemed on the right track and one day my husband let it slip in front of her. We thought maybe if she didn't say anything else she would forget. Later that night we went to dinner at a friends house and in the middle of our conversation she blurts out, "My mom is having a baby!" I was really upset at first because I just felt very guarded over this pregnancy and wasn't ready for her to know. I felt like it would ruin her whole world if for whatever reason we lost this baby too.
Losing this baby was incredibly hard, but what made it even harder was having to tell my two and half year old that our baby was is heaven. We tried not to talk about the baby in front of her while I was pregnant just because we were trying to be cautious (even if she already knew). We thought after we lost the baby we wouldn't say anything about it unless she asked. She hadn't mentioned the baby for weeks since she first found out, but much to our dismay the week after we lost it that's all she could talk about. She kept asking about the baby and saying, "there's a baby in your tummy." To which I would reply, " no not yet." She even told people at daycare (that was fun to have to explain too).
Finally, Super Bowl Sunday I hit my breaking point. We went to our friends house, who of course have the 4 month old that Morgan loves. I did my best to try and ignore Morgan doting all over her and wanting to be close to her. I just so badly wanted that relationship for Morgan. It was hard to watch and know I couldn't give that to her right now.
On our way home out of no where Morgan said, "Mommy you are almost going to have a baby!" I choked back the tears and said, " No honey, not yet." Then came the tearjerker. Softly from the back seat she said, "but I want there to be a baby in your belly." My heart exploded at that moment. I could feel my face get hot and the tears just came pouring out. It was as if I could literally feel my heart breaking into a million pieces. " We got home and she went into the other room and my husband just held me while I cried for a few minutes. I told him I was so angry, it just wasn't fair. She would be such a great big sister. Why did this have to happen and why did it have to hurt so bad? I finally decided that we needed to have the talk with her.
The next day while playing in her playroom I brought it up. How do you tell this to a two and a half year old, I thought?
Me: "Remember the baby in Mommy's tummy?"
Me: "There isn't one in my belly anymore because it had to go to Heaven."
Me: "Well the baby wasn't growing anymore so Jesus took it to Heaven to take care of it until we get there."
Morgan: "Are you crying?"
Me: "Yes, because it is sad. It's ok to be sad. I cry sometimes when I miss the baby."
Morgan: "I don't want you to be sad." (she get's up and hugs me with tears in her eyes)
Me: "I know, but it is OK. God is helping mommy feel better. You and daddy make mommy feel better too. You make me very happy. Someday we will have another baby."
And that was pretty much the conversation. The worst and hardest one I have ever had with anyone in my whole life, but some how the most healing. 20 minutes later as we are playing out side Morgan says, "Remember when you were crying about the baby because you missed it (as if had been years ago already)." "But you are OK now right?" she asks. "Yes, Mommy is OK."
I just thought and thought about that conversation for the longest time. I totally under estimated her ability to understand the situation in so few words. Even at a young age she understands it I think the best a 2 and a half year old can. God is taking care of our little angel. That comforts her and that is all she needs to know. Seeing the simplicity in that conversation in healing. She says it in such a positive way that it reminds me to have faith because God is helping us through this and we are going to be OK.
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains" C. S. Lewis
I hear you God. I know you are still there.
To be continued.....