Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Life Goes On...

The Recap: This miscarriage process has been unimaginable. It's the kind of thing you just want to pinch yourself and wake up like it was all a bad dream and it never really happened.We went from our first miscarriage in April (very early miscarriage) to a very long and draw out miscarriage the month after. We found out we were pregnant again in May and knew something didn't feel right from the beginning. Then  sat through the rest of May worrying about what the doctor was going to say that I already knew in my heart was true. We arrived at June and proceeded to sit through a month of multiple doctors appointments and blood tests to confirm the miscarriage. At the beginning of July we made the choice to try and wait out the miscarriage and let my body miscarry naturally because it was better for my body and the doc thought I could. Turns out my body is incredibly optimistic as we sat through three more weeks of waiting for my body to release a baby that wasn't growing. Then finally had to opt for medicine that would help my body speed up the process. That in its self is something I don't wish to ever experience again. I will spare everyone the details but it is graphic, gory and not something that is easy to process. After three months of heartache, three month of mental, physical and emotional exhaustion you feel like you just have nothing left to give. It has affected every aspect of my life. It makes me miss the person I was before all of this and wonder when I will get her back. Below I wrote about where we are now and what I have discovered through all of this.

Moving On And Getting My Joy Back:

I recently had a discussion with my husband after feeling particularly depressed one day and said, "I wasn't always this way right? I used to be fun once?" I was half joking but his response was not. He said, "I would would just say more pessimistic." Ouch, that hurt! I asked but was not fully prepared for that. I cried because I knew it was true. (Now before you pounce on my husband, I asked him to be honest because I had been feeling this way for some time prior to the miscarriage.) I started thinking back to when I became this pessimistic person. Yes, I had just had a miscarriage but this started long before that. I used to think of myself as this very optimistic, patient person who generally had a very happy demeanor. The more I thought about it the more upset I got because I knew either I was never that person or wasn't that person anymore. Over the last two years I had morphed into this pessimistic kill joy who worried about everything under the sun. I was starting to realize God was revealing some major problem areas for me. This was bigger than a miscarriage and more permanent. While going through this process I realized somehow I left some of the best parts of me behind somewhere. It took something earth shattering for me to step back long enough to really admit it and admit I needed a change. Worrying is a dangerous trait. It places all of your troubles and fears on you and convinces you that YOU need to handle it, that things will be OK as long as YOU take care of it. The problem was I wasn't letting God do his job. It was like saying, "it's OK God I got this, I can do it myself." Well, if I was doing life my self I apparently wasn't doing a very good job. Why wasn't I letting God do his job? Well, that revealed my second area of weakness: patience. I am more interested most days in getting instant gratification and solving the problem immediately. I now see that has always been an issue for me. If I was excited about something I wanted to do it right now, if someone was hurting I wanted to fix it right now, whatever the situation I wanted to take care of it now! See a theme here? God doesn't work that way. God has his plan, his timing and his reasoning and is not interested in mine. God is a big picture planner and thank goodness because if he just gave in to every impulse the way I wanted to who knows where we would all be right now.

I guess the point of this is that God does not initiate suffering but rather allows it for creating beauty. The last 4 months have been a mix of emotions I'm not sure we would want to relive again if we were given a choice, but those were the cards we were dealt. I can't see God's big picture yet and why we had this experience, but I do know where there is darkness there is light. Something good is being created as a result of that. Right now, I know that part of this experience has allowed me to see some not so flattering things about myself and revealed that I need God more than I know. I know I am not personally ready nor will ever be ready to rule this world on my own so why do I need to pretend like I am the one in charge. No amount of me worrying, planning, fixing, or being anxiety ridden is ever going to prevent all bad things from happening or challenges that arise. Frankly, it is a breath of fresh air to hand myself back over to God and let him have the reins again because I am tired. We are not meant to do life on our own. I can't ask God for help and support and still try to run the show myself. He is far wiser than I am and has never lead me astray before. He has given me a wonderful husband, daughter, family and friends to help support me through all of this.

God doesn't plan for us to suffer, he takes our suffering and brings beauty where there is darkness. As we move on from this miscarriage I have no idea what God has in store for us. I pray that we will be able to expand our family with a healthy baby when he chooses. I miss my fun loving spirit that I know is in there somewhere and I know my family and friends miss it too. For now, I have a different mission but this time I am not going solo. I'm getting my joy back, but only through God!